A shitty day

So this one has taken a few weeks to put down, because I wanted to be in a clear place while I wrote. Sams sleep pattern is so much better than it used to be.

Where it used to be 4 or 5 nights he was awake, now it’s more like one (Touch wood).

Apart from a few weeks before Easter it went to about 2 a week. By this I mean he can wake anywhere between 12 & 2am and stay awake until 4,5,6 o’ clock. It’s not his fault. He can’t help being awake. It doesn’t help but for those few weeks before Easter he would wake up on nights that I’d been at work until 12 or 1…they are the ones where I can’t function the following day, whereas Sam after a sleepless night is bouncier than ever if you can believe it 😬

So the Easter weekend came around and we had a busy weekend, visiting family and I worked the Saturday and Sunday as usual. Side note: Sam and Connor are my world, and where Connor is independent, Sam definitely is not. He is really sensory seeking he hunts out anything he can get feedback from. For example he’s been lugging a pineapple around the last two days. It’s prickly and hard and it rolls!!

The object I think he gets the most from though, is me. I tickle him, squeeze him, chase him. He clings to me when he’s sad, he climbs on me a lot! He sniffs me, especially my hair, whenever he’s near me. Which is a lot!! Because it’s that level of caring for him all day every day. Mental exhaustion becomes physical becomes mental.

Case in point: I just stopped writing for an hour, Sams not been happy nor sad, just moaning a bit. But until he’s happy again, he wants my head against his chest. So I’m on the floor while he’s on the chair with his legs wrapped round my neck while I hug his body. He’s ok now but I’m staying put for a while.

So back to my original dialogue! Easter weekend was a busy one. Sam was awake the Friday night. Not the Saturday but the Sunday night I got home late because we’d had a bank holiday singer on in the pub. (I’ve said it before but I love my job. I have a laugh and dance as I’m pouring pints, and get to be Jo; not mummy, not a sensory object for a couple of hours). I got in and the next thing Sam was awake. I was up anyway and he ended up going back to sleep around 5 I think. The day plodded on in a relaxed way. It was bank holiday Monday, we had nothing to do. So I got into a hot bath with my book, and just as I thought ‘I’ll have an hour in here then go back down’ the patter of little feet up the stairs. I really really didn’t want to share this bath with Sam. I share them all with him!! So I put my hands over my face.

Sometimes if I ignore him he loses interest and goes off to play. Not this day. He got himself undressed by himself and climbed in. All while I was covering my face. And then the first bad thing happened…I started crying. I don’t know why. Then, I couldn’t stop, until the point where I was hysterical behind my hands. I couldn’t pull myself together. I needed to cry. I think I cried for about 25 minutes. Connor heard me eventually and as I’m getting myself out leaving Sam where he was, Stu came up. By then I was crying into the towel. Stu helped me out, I got dressed again then crawled into bed. This was about 4 in the afternoon.

I remember having absolutely nothing in my head. Thinking how strange it is to be a complete blank. There was nothing. I slept in my clothes until 4 the next morning when Sam woke up. And I tell you what, I felt goooood.

I believe I had some sort of fatigue related breakdown. I’ve never been like that before and I can’t blame it on Sams behaviours. I can blame it on lack of sleep, but again, not Sams fault he’s got low levels of melatonin which means he doesn’t stay asleep as often as I’d like/need. It’s just bad luck.

I’d like to say I’ll make more time for myself but I’m not too sure how to make that happen without putting stress on Sam 🤭

Thanks for reading.

Jo x

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