Black clouds & rainbows

You all know what it feels like to take the rough with the smooth.

Recently we’ve had an honest to goodness roller coaster ride of roughs and smooths. Depending on my mental state, I sometimes take the lows like a physical thing. Each incident can feel like a black cloud. Each one I’m inhaling until I’m full up with the stuff. But with each cloud black or not comes…*platitude alert* (you all know I love me a platitude or 7!)…a silver lining; and slowly those black clouds become expelled. Breathed out. I like my day to start at 7(ish) get the boys ready for school/preschool and off for my few hours free time. Sometimes, however, fate or as I like to call it ‘autism’ has other ideas and we have 4 hours sleep. Every time Sam has a developmental jump his behaviours seem to change. What upset him before now doesn’t and what didn’t bother him before can cause him extreme upset. It’s like deciphering a puzzle with a timer running out. High pressure.

Currently, Sam screams, the volume depends on how upset he is. He slaps himself in the face…remember the tango advert in the 90’s that was banned because we were all doing it to each other in the playgrounds? Yeah like that. To himself. He also bangs the front and back of his head on the floor or against the radiator is a particular favourite. It’s awful to see, and I’m not always close by to stop him, and if I do stop him it’s like he needs to do it to finish the cycle, to get whatever out of it he gets.

So yeah, these past few weeks have seen an increase in these behaviours of sleeping less and self harming more. I don’t reach breaking point any more, which is a win 🙌 but I do get that fug feeling. But then comes that silver lining. Every single day.

Connor coming home from school having ticked boxes that say he’s happier than he has been for weeks, going to a youth club with a friend. He took himself off for an explore of our estate yesterday evening (and for a perpetually frightened of his shadow kind of kid) this is great. It’s progress. It’s silver lining. And it’s an exhalation of Black from me.

Sams autism does cause our family stress but with each stress comes more joy than I can handle sometimes. I am an emotional wreck (I get lumps in my throat and tears in my eyes from just one note of a nice song ffs) but when every day he is trying to communicate more and more…ok is his word for no. So everything is ok ok ok ok. He’ll say it until I repeat it back. He says it all the time. But he’ll also say ‘look’ and point. Or he’ll say ‘moon’ to his dad when he wants to stand on the back step with him and look up. It’s standing on his bed singing happy birthday to no one, because he know the words!! It’s everything. He is looking at the world around him and he’s trying to vocalise what he sees.

This isn’t a silver lining, it’s more a freaking unicorn jumping over a rainbow farting candy floss down to the world and it expels whatever black cloud I’m holding on to!!

These huge things that we wondered if he would ever do, he is doing. Slowly, at his own pace. That’s one of the tricks which takes some practising is to put yourself into their worlds. Don’t expect them to be able to join all of yours just yet. Thanks for reading and may you have a day filled with more rainbows than clouds! 💙

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