I’m lying here on my sofa at 1 on a weekday afternoon. Connor is at school and Sam is asleep in the crook of my arm.
I should wake him up but I don’t want too.
He started pre-school on Monday. He is supposed to go for 3 hours a day 5 days a week. He had one to one care with a lady who has worked with autism before. We decided to stagger his time in there so it wasn’t too much too soon. Monday, he went in for an hour was tearful for 15 mins then settled down. Tuesday was much better no tears and stayed until 10:30. Yesterday however was not great and I collected him at 10.
Last night Sam woke from 11pm until 4 this morning so we decided not to take him in today because we didn’t want him to take a step backwards with getting to know the pre-school environment. I’ll take him back in tomorrow and see how it goes.
The build up to pre-school has been awful for me. I have been so anxious for him. That he would scream for three hours. Wouldn’t let me go. It’s been ok all in all. The stress and anxiety I have felt however has not.
Sam still doesn’t do very much without me being really close by. Even when asleep he wakes really easily and will get upset if I’m not there to put a reassuring hand on his leg.
*image from fb group Maddox’s autism chronicles is the best thing I’ve seen!
So while I should be waking Sam up and playing with him. I’m going to take ten more minutes for me. Just to be. I think these new experiences affect me in a way as much as they do him. I know they are coming, and I can feel myself slipping. So I mentioned to Stu the other day that I’m feeling pretty blah. He knows to take this that probably too much won’t get done and he’ll be making dinner again after work. Being emotionally tired is beyond exhausting. Whoever you are looking after. A baby, child, parent. Whoever it is it is so easy to get bogged down. Easier still for others to suggest some ‘time for yourself’ yeah right. Ok then.
My Gran used to say when asked ‘which football team do you support’ she would answer. ‘I support me legs, because they support me’ weird but I love it.
And while my legs can support my body, and in my case Sams too as he is carried everywhere 🙈 I can’t always carry the burdens in my own brain.
What I’m getting at here today is if you know someone or love someone who is caring for another. Please remember after you’ve asked after the other to please ask ‘how are you?’ ‘How are you feeling?’ Because even though most of the time we will say ‘fine’ once or twice we might need to unburden. And if you’re thinking ‘well if you need to talk you should say so’ I say ‘if you care, you will want to ask. In a carers world we soon figure out who really does. Care.<<<<